Last Friday, I stood at the vending machine watching the smokers go out for their mid morning fix of nicotine. I scoffed at them and thought to myself, there they go to kill themselves. I made my selection, E7 – gotta get that Kit Kat Bar! As I took the bar out of the drop slot, I looked at the Snicker bar and thought that I might want that too and then it hit me……….
This revelation hit me soooo hard I wanted to run away immediately. How can you run away from a truth that is wrapped all around you?
The revelation is that I am an addict. My addiction is not nicotine, sex, heroine, or alcohol….it is food.
I use food the same way that a junkie would use a drug… to escape, to escape whatever I can’t or won’t deal with. I eat my emotions, happy, sad, disappointed, anger, frustration, worry…..
I weighed myself on Saturday night and in disbelief I just stood there thinking about how I could have gotten to this point.
It ends here.
Being overweight is the most visible sign of not being in control of an area of your life. I have taken that control back! Food is not a comfort, it is not my friend, it does not end heartache….food is not a band-aid for life. Food is nutrition for your body and you have to be selective about what you eat.
Since Saturday I have lost almost seven pounds and I am so excited to keep this going. I am ready to shed this heavy garment and start to look and feel sexy again….yes I said sexy!
Before I sign off here, let me ask you this…. Do you struggle with your weight? If so, what are you eating? Guilt, anger, hurt, frustration, loss…..
Step 1: The next time you snack on something ask yourself if you are hungry or self-soothing with food.
This is a journey, a process – so this blog is not going to end here….there is more to come on the way back to a healthier you.
There is a guy that works in the office who some people don’t enjoy talking to. They call him the “cloud”, because he seems to be a little gloomy here and there. I enjoy talking with him. I understand where he is coming from on a lot of different things and we enjoy a similar humor. The other day I asked him how things were going and he said, “Well, some days are meant to be endured”. I gasped with delight. How true is that? We are not always going to have rock star days and that is perfectly normal. There will be tough days, but do your best to get through them and if you can, take a little bit of a lesson from each of those days to help make you better.
I told him that I was going to borrow that thought for the rest of my life…..some days are meant to be endured and I will do just that. I think I am gon run on to see what the end is going to be.
A ran into an old boyfriend from college not long ago. I was in the dairy section at the supermarket and heard a familiar voice say my name. Before turning around I already knew who it was, his energy had invaded my space and my senses were already caught up as I turned to see my old flame. We both smiled and kind of surveyed each other. He gushed at me saying that I was still just as beautiful and I remarked that he was still just as striking as ever. He was, yes, just as striking especially those eyes, still intense and wild, and the most beautiful shade of brown. We stood there and talked for a while, trying to cram so many years into what we knew were going to be just a few minutes. At one point he stopped me from talking and touched my arm. This man proceeded to present to me a precious gift, one that I thought I would never receive from him. It wasn’t anything that I could touch. I couldn’t see it. I could only sense it from him, from his heart, from his soul….this is a summary of what he said:
I want you to know that all of that stuff that happened with us, all of that stuff that I did to you, things that made you cry and broke your heart? None of that was you. I know that I told you at times it was you and blamed you for things but all of that, all of me being a butt hole was completely on me. I treated you badly, I knew I didn’t deserve you. You were like a gift that I wanted, that I prayed for, but I didn’t know what to do with you when you were right there in my life trying to love me. I didn’t know how to be good for you, I couldn’t and did not want to get my act together , I was wild, so to prevent from damaging you, I pushed you away. I would never have forgiven myself if you would have gotten caught up in what I was doing then, I just knew you had to go and be as far from me as possible. I just wanted you to know that. I know you blamed yourself and it was me, it was all me. I need you to know that it wasn’t you.
He stood there peering at me with those eyes. Time seemed to freeze as memories good and bad buzzed through my mind and tears welled up in my eyes. He was right, I did blame myself. I thought often that if I could just be more of this way or less of that then he would love me, but the funny thing is that as much I did love him, I could not bring myself to change. I would not change and eventually we did go our separate ways. Something always told me that I was enough, more than enough, but when you are twenty something and the person that you love walks out of your world it is hard not to internalize that and take it personal. We continued to talk for a short while longer and then he ask me for a hug. We hugged. In that embrace I felt a man, a man that I once loved, I felt our history, I felt what I once hoped would be, I felt what I knew could never be, I felt a familiar energy, still captivating yet now only safer …solid, I felt forgiveness, and the sense that we would always, always, hold that time we we were young and in love with idea of each other, but still searching for that thing to fill the void.
We talked some more and hugged again. It seemed hard for us to both say good bye to each other. There was this longing to stay in each others presence, but we had built lives not designed for the other. I am grateful for the few moments we spent that day, I am grateful that I got to see the man that he evolved into, and am grateful that part of his evolution included setting me free. We were in a store with many items that could have been gifts, but sometimes the greatest gifts cannot be touched, they must be offered from a humbled heart that only time and living life can purchase.
What do you do when you realize that the very fire that burned you and left an arctic cold in your heart, is the only fire that warms your world like no other. He is that fire. The Fire that unleashes a thousand butterflies within your soul, all of them tickling your world with joy. The Fire, when at it’s best brings a nurturing warmth in any season, it is never too hot, but always just what you need. The Fire that dances with desire but is contained enough to still hold the mystery of the ecstasy that it holds….. hmmm. Wisdom tells you not to go there again, to stay within the safety of the shallows, to stay among the embers of what might have been. But the heart, the heart is urging you to go, run wild and free into the depths of his flames, because you yourself are The Fire that he fled from and the only reason why you felt burned was because you did not realize the intensity of your own flames.
King James Bible Proverbs 18:22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.
The scripture says findeth a “wife”, it did not say, he that findeth the woman who will become his wife, she is already a wife. Wow….so what does this mean? This means that if you desire to be married and are faithfully praying for a husband then you should already be a wife. Now, this does not mean that you go down to the local Wal-Mart and find yourself a pretty little lacey thing to put on for your boo. I most certainly do not mean that! Sex is certainly a wonderful and sacred part of marriage but what you have to remember is that after the honeymoon, after you kiss each other good morning and start out on a new day, there are bills to pay, cars to maintain, schedules to coincide, there are considerations for each other that may be an inconvenience to you, yep, you just may have to sacrifice! Okay, it is great to be able to throw down in the bedroom and have him crave you like an afternoon snack, but you have to be wife MINDED too!!!
Every marriage is like a fingerprint. It is different and unique in it’s own way. Sometimes in a marriage the roles are reversed and some marriages are still very traditional. There is nothing wrong with either as long as you and your spouse both agree. It doesn’t hurt now to start thinking about what type of wife you want to be. Then you can eventually couple that with the expectations of your husband when you get married. The bottom line is that you need to bring something to the table, more than some hips and thighs. After all you can’t spend your lives butt naked in the bedroom getting busy 24/7! smh….
So what is already being a bride about? For example, a nursing student goes through four years of nursing school, but they are not technically considered a practicing nurse until they have taken their Boards and passed all sorts of tests and certifications. The college would not stick a student in a hospital room to care for a patient with out having prepared then to do so. Same goes for you, the unmarried wife, God is allowing you this time of singleness to prepare. Don’t use this time to sulk about being single or to make poor decisions in dating that will affect you down the line. Now is the time to gather or fine tune your skill sets, and to become the best possible version of you before walking down that aisle.
We are going to dive into this some more, but here are some questions that you need to ask yourself for now:
-Physically – What are you doing physically to be ready for your husband? Are you comfortable with your body?
-What is your skill set outside of the bedroom? Okay great… you can drop it down and bring it back up , but like I said earlier unfortunately the hours spent in the bedroom are limited and then you still have to sneak in some time to sleep.
-Can you prepare a decent home cooked meal? Manage the bills?
-Can you sew a button on or tie a tie?
-Do you know how to clean a home? I am not talking about throwing stuff in a back room. I am talking about cleaning and organizing so that the two of you can live comfortably and find things.
-Do you know how to maintain a home? Cut grass, manage repairs, etc. I am not saying that you have to but if you had to at any point… could you?
-Spiritually speaking, are praying for your husband now, even before you come together? Are you praying that he is allowing God to keep him and prepare him for you? Could you pray him through and be a support to him in the rough times?
-Are you prepared to be an emotional support to you husband?
-Do you have hobbies? Do you participate in groups or activities that will enrich you outside of spending time with your spouse?
The list could go on and on.
Shhhh…. I hear wedding bells in the distance, but now is the time to prepare.
It seems as though society has mastered the art of saying goodbye. We can go for years without seeing someone, we can be in their neighborhoods and drive right by their homes without even a visit or phone call, holidays go by and not a card or gift……but as soon as someone becomes deceased here comes the gathering of people. I don’t need spectators to my pain. I guess I am a little funny in my thoughts but if you have not been an active part in helping me to live, don’t you dare come and watch me die.
I used to think that being excluded from something was about me, but I have learned that is not always the case. Sometimes being excluded from something is more about the person who excluded you and what frame of mind or heart they are in. Unless you think that you seriously need to make some changes, don’t waste your time in wondering why someone did not want you to be part of something. Just move on and never forsake the rhythm of your heart to dance to someone else’s music.
A very wise friend once told me that when a man wants a woman she will know. I completely agree. Even if a man tells you that he wants you in his world, if his actions do not line up with what he is saying then step off and back up from dealing with him. Do not leave yourself on an emotional hook to wonder where he stands or how he feels….. his relentless pursuit of you and how he cares for you will cast away every one of your doubts and eventually as he surrounds your world by the warmth of his fire….you can slowly exhale.
If a neighbor calls you for a ride home from work at 11pm do you tell them that you are sleeping and you will pick them up in the morning or do you get up and help them to get home to rest as you were resting? Even if you do give them a ride home in the morning after you have had your full night’s sleep, you are helping, but which is the greater help, which is the true heart of serving others?
You have never truly served, given, or helped until you have done so while being inconvenienced. Helping others on your own terms, is just doing what you want to do to make yourself look or feel good…..you are not doing what is needed, when it is needed to put others in a better place.
I was in the elevator today with a woman who was talking on the phone. She said, “Honey, I am not wearing green. Are you going to pinch my booty?” My ears perked up to listen more intently. She continued talking and giggling at the same time, “We are going to do what? Oh, baby, I know exactly where your leprechaun is, I will see you at six, love you”.By then I was smiling from ear to ear and I glanced over at her. She looked at me, blushed and said, “My husband…..” and she just beams this huge smile and dashes off the elevator.
